You’re doing sex wrong: What I wish everyone knew about the emotional presence, physical skill, and energetic magnitude of blissful, fulfilling sex. Emotional Presence
Orgasm is a paltry goal
Orgasms aren’t always a clear yes-or-no thing for me. There’s an ever-growing range of pleasurable experiences that I call “orgasm,” and the one I’m certain would be widely agreed upon as an orgasm is the least pleasurable one for me (it’s still very pleasurable, but it's last on my list.)
Here are some examples of wonderful aims to have in sex. None of these require orgasm; all of these could include orgasm as a delicious side-effect.
Feeling more connected to each other
Co-regulation
Joy and play
Exploration and discovery
Prayer, awe, and communion with the divine
Experiencing enjoyable sensations
Embracing the present moment
Basking in beauty
Sex as embodied emotions
Making love, sex, and fucking are three different things for me that are also able to coexist.
Making love is embodied emotions intertwining.
Sex is a physical act.
Fucking is carnal enactments of our animal beings.
All three (and any combination) are more wonderful, and more vulnerable, when everyone involved is present in their bodies and emotions. When I’m embodied during physical intimacy, I’m likely to cry, to admit I feel self-conscious or inadequate, to pursue repressed cravings, to discover I’m not who I thought I was, to feel overwhelmed with love, to feel helplessly swept away by sensation…
I was in my 30’s the first time I had intimacy where we were both fully embodied and emotionally present with each other. Since then, I’ve had basically no interest in sex that isn’t borne of emotions.
Say your love
We’re used to saying “I love you,” and “Thank you for…” but it’s very rare for people to say their love.
It’s impossible to say why I love someone. The love itself seems to just happen, regardless of anything. But I can describe what loving them is like. And I can name things I love about them.
“When someone says you’re awesome, it feels like they’ve also just told me I’m awesome. They see what I see about you.”
“It feels like you celebrate me for exactly who I am, and that you’re already celebrating anything I will discover about myself.”
“I admire the responsibilities you choose to take on.”
It started with a dear friend. We’d hit a rough patch, and when we talked it through I learned that it’s incredibly helpful for her when I say what I love about her. I’d always noticed those things, so it was just a matter of remembering to say them out loud.
It was like magic to our friendship, the bond turned from string to rope.
A few months later I added the practice into another very close friendship. It was instantaneously generative, I was blown away. That experience has been so rewarding that I didn’t even realize I was starting to do it with everyone. Unexpectedly, it has started to come back to me. I noticed because love started coming from different people than the ones I had been saying my love to, seemingly out of nowhere.
“I don’t know of anyone better at building community than you. The group wouldn’t be what it is without you.”
“You don’t seem to be doing personal growth from wanting to fix or change yourself at all. It feels so good to be around.”
It’s a beautiful practice because you consistently draw your attention to where your love connects to the words that come out of your mouth. It’s a beautiful practice because intimacy instantly increases when you say your love, even if they have trouble really taking it in, because you’re more in tune with why they matter to you and to your gratitude for having them in your life.
Physical Skill
Your body
Integrate your body sensations.
The next time you’re massaging a sore muscle, notice whether you feel an invisible boundary when your hand goes near where massage therapists don’t go. Try expanding that boundary line while keeping the intention of massage instead of shifting to foreplay or masturbation.
The next time you’re experiencing sexual pleasure, notice whether you keep the sensations of pleasure confined to certain areas of your body. Try using your breath and your attention to share the pleasure with your whole body, your whole self.
Lips and kissing
Kissing is, for me, one of the most deeply intimate interactions of all. My lips are very sensitive, and to meet someone else’s lips feels like an electrical connection straight to our essences.
Where is your attention when you kiss? Maybe it’s mental, an expression of care. Maybe it’s habitual, a ritual of attachment. Maybe it’s goal-oriented, a first step toward sex.
Next time, before you kiss, feel your lips. Let the nerve endings come alive and start to tingle. Feel the sensations of smiling, of your lips touching each other, of your tongue wetting your lips and the air brushing the wetness. Approach your partner’s lips slowly, and sense the excitement of increasing closeness building in your chest. Pause before your lips are touching, and swim in your longing. Imagine how their lips will feel to your sensitized skin. Kiss from discovery, your lips finding theirs. Explore sensations. Feel your turn-on.
When I do this with a partner who is compatibly oriented, my body responds intensely. I have uncontrollable contractions. This is one of the sensations I choose to call orgasm, and this one is very high on my pleasure list.
The cervix
Women hold tension in their cervix. The cervix can be as soft and supple as a cloud, or as hard as a rock, and everywhere in-between. When there is a lot of tension in the cervix, no amount of foreplay will calm her enough for her to be able to feel her own turn-on, and penetration will be painful. Imagine the fiercest muscle knot you’ve ever had, then imagine someone banging repeatedly on that muscle knot with a hammer. It’s just like that.
The tension in the cervix can be released with tender, patient, attuned cervical massage. She may have a lifetime’s worth of pain and anxiety held there. Be prepared for her to cry. A lot. Be prepared to stop and hold her while she sobs. Be prepared for this practice to be something you have to return to over and over for weeks or months. The benefits of cervical massage can be out of this world.
When my cervix is soft, it’s impossible to remember what want or resentment feel like. When my cervix is soft, it’s easy to feel turn-on, joy, forgiveness, and bliss.
The penis
Imagine orienting to sex from the perspective of an emotional and energetic experience instead of from the perspective of a physical act. Concepts of size or hardness don’t make sense from this perspective.
It’s common in tantra to call the penis the “wand of light.” The power isn’t based on the shape or density of the wand, the power is in the intensity and clarity of the light.
When I feel love for him and our connection is well-tended, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s an uncommon shape. When I trust him and feel safe to release any vigilance, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s small. When his heart is penetrating mine through his eyes, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s soft. When he is fully embodied in himself and is rooted in experiencing his pleasure with me, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s not inside me.
Energetic Magnitude
Sex doesn’t require nudity or touch
Not long ago, I landed in sustained silent eye contact with a former partner. I felt locked in, like a tractor beam, and I liked it, even though it was intimidating. I surrendered to the experience. I let go of the need to think thoughts. I let go of what other people might think of us. I let go of the need to understand anything at all. I let all of my attention drop into the electric, spacious experience of our connection. After some minutes (I had also released my sense of time) I had what seemed like a flashback to one of the times we’d had sex. As I stayed in the experience, it became clear that it wasn’t actually a flashback, it was a present experience. I was fully clothed, across the room from him, completely still except for breathing, and I was fully immersed in energetic union.
Experiment with consensual energetic lovemaking. Rest into eye contact. Receive the ecstasy of that person’s attention on you. Share the euphoria throughout your body and let it wake every nerve ending. Feel the fact that your clothes and the air are already caressing your skin. Notice that you’re already being penetrated by air with each inhale. Imagine your pleasure being able to glow out of you to warm and nourish your partner.
If you become able to fully do this while also physically making love, prepare to feel wrapped in divine bliss.
Embodiment
Years ago, I was having sex with my then-boyfriend, and his penis kept feeling like it was changing size. Dramatically. It didn’t feel like it was getting softer or harder, it felt like it was ranging from nothing to almost more than I could take. It was fascinating. Without explanation, when I felt the size change I said a number for what size his penis felt, from zero to 100.
During the post-coital cuddle, he said, “I don’t know how you did that thing with the numbers. Every number was completely accurate of how dissociated I felt.” We talked it through, both of us amazed, that I said low numbers when he felt very dissociated, and I said high numbers when he felt very embodied.
Embodiment during physical intimacy is no small ask. You’ll be aware of everything you’re self-conscious about, everything you hide, everything you believe isn’t loveable in yourself. You will have to learn to believe all of you is loveable to fully embody the being they’re making love to. It’s a practice, and it may take a long time. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself endless grace for the journey.
I hope that I’ve only just begun discovering what’s possible.
I hope something you’ve read here gives your life more pleasure, love, presence, and joy.
I hope to learn from you for the rest of my life.
#DeepTakes